Reconstructing Guilt

Another year has come and gone by, yet unlike all the years before it, 2020 literally vanished in front of our eyes as the world froze and a microscopic virus reigned over us and immobilised civilisations. The virus exposed the gross inequalities of our societal structure and the insane levels of apathy we humans have cultivated.

Even as I write this, I cringe, cribbing about a reality I am deeply detached from as I lie snuggled under blankets, at liberty to give attendance and snooze or take notes while snacking. I am, like many others, comfortably confined to a middle class home, and we cope with our dystopian realities by doom-scrolling through social media and wasting time in front of screens.

Even so, I can't help but feel a pervading, overwhelming sense of guilt that is the lot of the privileged. People are dying from the malicious virus, debilitating hunger and or poverty as a result of the lockdown, and there’s been a massive rise in unemployment and inflation in the nation, while I remain coddled by the arms of circumstantial privilege.

What am I doing despite everything I had been granted by the favorable odds of my birth?

“How can I be so comfortable when others are suffering?”

“But what can we even do, we are neither Ambani nor Jeff Bezos”.

The same conversation has taken place innumerable times, in classrooms and at dinner tables, on group chats and in personal dialogues. Most people I've known have expressed this perplexing feeling of inadequacy at least once during last year and yet we have neither addressed it formally nor figured it out practically in our conversations.

A mingled feeling of disappointment, frustration, embarrassment and regret in not having done enough and the sheer inability to do more in this unfortunate situation seemed to be the mood for the whole of 2020. The paradox of privilege has satiated our materialistic desires but left us vulnerable to anxiety and evoked a crippling sense of shame about our positions in society.

This infuriating irony of privilege is a by-product of an unfortunate situation and an increased sense of self awareness of one’s privileged position. Since the pandemic, numerous studies have emerged on ‘privilege guilt’ and many mental health professionals have also reported how an increased sense of privilege guilt in their clients has aggravated and added to anxieties and depression during this pandemic.

This sense of feeling too-fortunate-hence-guilty has been found to be closely related to survivors’ guilt, a mental condition that was previously associated with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in war soldiers and holocaust survivors who felt liable for escaping alive. While privilege guilt cannot be equated to survivor’s guilt, it can neither be understated nor downplayed any more, given the changing times.

To begin with, it is important to recognise the evolutionary basis of guilt and the influential role it has had in keeping humans empathetically connected to others and in helping forge meaningful social relationships. Guilt doesn't always mean feeling remorseful for a bad deed done, like we would have been taught when we were kids. Guilt doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing always. Guilt can act as a means to control our impulses and need for self-gratification and redirect it towards collective survival, which is probably what Audre Lorde intended to explain through the ‘care of self’, before the notions of ardent ‘self-love’ hit mainstream markets. Guilt can help preserve our moral codes by reminding us of the social implications of our actions. Guilt can help us empathise and humanise once we learn how to deal with it and transform it into something more worthwhile.

For this new year, set out intentions that focus on the process instead of resolutions that focus on outcomes. When dealing with guilt the first step is to acknowledge unwarranted guilt and to accept your limitations - be it physical, financial and emotional. Try to turn all that guilt into gratitude for all that you have and have been given. After the tumultuous past year, none of us need reminders on not taking things for granted. So step out and help whoever you can, whenever you can. Volunteer in local organisations, help with chores, send thank you letters, re-share posts on issues you care about and remember that intention counts. Gratitude can do wonders in helping us be a little more mindful and conscious about our words and deeds, and thus aid in alleviating privilege guilt.

So here is to wishing that this year, we can all reconstruct our accumulated guilts and transform it into something that helps us all become better versions of ourselves.

Haifa Maryam

19/UELA/039