Malavika Raj
19/UAFA/156
After weeks of persuasion and a few workouts here and there, I finally felt confident enough to wear the blue crop top that has been sitting in my closet forever. Every time I had looked at it, all I could think of was the extra layer of clothing that I was wearing to cover up my fat, seemingly against "societal norms". Did it make me look any better? Not really. Did it make me look any skinnier? Kind of. That was the only validation I needed to ignore the scorching heat and cover myself up even more. But that day, my confidence was soaring and I stepped out in the crop top and some skinny jeans. The first comment was from my mother, "Pull your pants up, I can see your stomach!” Imagine what that could do to a 15-year-old girl who's dealing with anxiety. Yeah, not the best feeling in the world.
Growing up chunky, I wasn't the most confident showing off skin. Every inch of exposed skin just reminded me of how much I'm not like the "other girls". Who are these girls? I don't even know, yet somehow, I found myself wishing I could be more like them. The image of Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid left me with no hopes for my future, thinking that my fat was an obstacle on the path to success. For years, my only motive was to shed the extra pounds and become a skinny legend.
As each day passed, the thought of wanting to be skinnier took a toll on my mental and physical health, to the point that I hated myself for looking the way I did. In my quest to become someone I'm not, slowly, but surely, I changed myself as a whole. The pounds that kept decreasing every time I stepped on the scale gave me the motivation to continue my unhealthy ways of weight loss. It was the whole package - starving myself, looking at the mirror and criticising every inch, not bothering to admit I had problems and worshipping the treadmill day and night. The worst part of it all was the lack of consideration the people around me showed. "You're becoming thin!" was more of a compliment than being conscious of my unhealthy habits. This had become an addiction and the excitement of coming down a dress size couldn't be compared to anything.
Body shaming affects people, especially teenagers in the worst ways possible. And if it starts at home, by someone close to you, you can just about imagine the consequences. Feeling ashamed of the way one looks and being forced to change oneself is the worst thing one could ever go through. Being healthy is important, but health was never the same as thinness. Having gone through things I'm not proud of, I'm in no way eligible to preach about loving oneself, but if there's something I've learnt from my past, it is that no one will see you the way you see yourself. At the end of the day, loving yourself is of more consequence than seeking external validation. Embrace yourself with all your flaws and imperfections, because that's what makes you, you. You're unique and you're loved, just remember that, before you let someone's thoughtless words affect you.
Woah. This is really good!!